maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just google imaged poop.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
