Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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