im about as happy as oj after his trial
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
