Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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