please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
