i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
