God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
