If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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