where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
