My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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