Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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