my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
