I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
