I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
