dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
