You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
