peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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