dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You made out with two different species that night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
