dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'd cum for enchiladas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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