we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
