she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
