It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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