i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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