I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
