I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
