I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
