I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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