after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
