Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
