Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
