I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
