The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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