just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
