whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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