my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
