FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
