I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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