This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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