I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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