whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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