The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
