I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
