It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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