I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
