im drinking this country out of the recession.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He felt like a one man threesome
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
