Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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