Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
