so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You ate ashes out of my bong
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
