So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
