i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
