Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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