you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
handjob tips. give me some.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
